Tags
anger, apologize, apology, calm, emotions, express, frustration, hurt, lies, mistake, pause, quiet, speak, truth
From nowhere to hell. And nothing much about much : June 8, 2011
I have been getting hurt. Knowingly, unknowingly hit, by people, who presume, they love me. I have wanted to break away with a few. Then something kept me from it..
All those laments that have lashed me. Why? Because I was an easy prey. A soft target. A nice punching wall. A wash basin to vomit out all frustrations? Expecting me to provide a tap to wash away all guilt? or With the excuse that they had chosen to build a ‘relation’ with me?
I cried then today. It was not a wail of self-derogation, uttered in anguish. These were tears of anger. Beyond frustration. I still am. Very Very angry. And now slipping into the cold, pause mode. This is bad. I know for my own self, it will take me back to those very dark, sad days. Times, when I have forgotten my self, about me, around me, lost, so lost.. that I slipped into a trance, time not knowing passing by, totally oblivious to my own existence, survival. Lived then I, like a dead woman, dragging herself.. or being dragged, by the chains of time.
If I won’t let myself slip into that pause mood, then, I might as well not live like dead now. But I might not as well be alive. The anger will keep me burning. Slowly. Softly killing me, seething like a coal, left to singe. Coz I do not feel like pardoning. No. I am as angry as I was 2 years ago with someone. And I then walked out of her life. She had her mentor, guide, sister, mother, friend, everyone in me. But she couldn’t take her ‘rides’ with life, thanks to me. I was ‘protective’. Fine. I, one fine day, Stepped out in the Sun. And left the gloom behind. I suddenly realised, so much of a relief it was. I had been hanging an albatross round my neck all this while. I just walked out, never to return back, never to regret my decision, never to ever think of her or miss her. If, per chance, she came to my mind, it was for the stark ingratitude shown towards me, for the cover I had given that orphaned girl, shielding her like my own child. trying to provide, at my own physical, mental, emotional, monetary expense, everything that she demanded. And how dare she demand? Coz I let her! I still shudder and wonder, why did I withstand all that door-mat like treatment? Thank God, for one day those embers went cold. I am THAT angry today. Shrugging off those insensitive people from my life, who do not think, feel, realise for me. Actually, to hell with you. I mean, you take the journey alone, my goodbyes from here! Am throwing out today, a few people from my list and mentally severing off relations with some others. Have known them for long. No need for tags. If they realise, fine, if they don’t, all the more better!
And the ones I am tagging, need not necessarily be in the above category. They might be people I am sharing a day, a phase of myself with.
Emmo Ash said:
When you know you have to walk with fire
You can no longer be friends with water
There is a special place in hell where I burn
And a special place in heaven condemned to learn
I don’t hate you I will always
I hate myself for what I felt
No I’m not sorry I know you can
But you know I can never be delt
This rider has fallen , fallen way too deep
For its no time to pray or secrets to keep
A feeling is a feeling indeed and it can’t be kept
But regrets are regrets and they can’t be wept
Whats better or real I don’t know anymore
Keep it to yourself or feel the pain evermore
All I know is I felt something I wasn’t sorry for
And I ended up drained of all the energy I’ll have nevermore
Not to go against what you wrote here di ………. I too think the same that we shouldn’t be sorry for what we feel for its feelings and they can’t be wrong ….. but what I am I to say anything here for time has taught me otherwise ……..
Not that I’m sorry for what I felt
But I regret ever saying what I said
Not that I regret what I ever felt
But I felt to regret what I ever said
I hope you understand what I want to say here …………… I do understand what you’re sa
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Emmo Ash said:
I hope you understand what I want to say here …………… I do understand what you’re saying here but I can’t agree here I’m sorry ………………………
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Purvi said:
I DO understand bro.. and I wont contradict you at all. Your stand, from your point and position is just fine. Everyone has to have their own theories of life to survive. 🙂
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Morning said:
we change ourselves without realizing it.
lovely discussion, Glad to see you share.
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Natalie said:
lovely explorations of life and how changes relate to us.
Happy Holidays,
have fun !
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