Written On 8th December 11
I have accepted to accept changes with a graceful silence, an outward composure, a strange uneasy calm at the heart with a qualm lurking in the back of the mind. Or maybe, I am too stunned to react as yet. The inner me keeps repeatedly telling itself, unceasingly, that things will be alright, even if they will not be the same as they were, so, DO NOT think about him. (And when I say that in caps, it means, it calls for a willful effort to do so.) I continue to walk in my stoic silence. As much as I know, it is NOT like Rachel Naomi Remen put it ~ “As I age I am grateful to find that a silence has begun to gather in me, coexisting with my tempers and my fears, unchanged by my joys or my pain.” for I am human. It hurts to be hurt. And all the more, if that comes with being dumped rather unceremoniously. So it might just be the lull before the storm, as when all your shrewd moves and manipulations storm the mind, the only phrase that pops up is ” Et Tu Brute? Then Fall Caesar ! ”
I detest change. Change of any kind. So the innermost core of the soul wails away in its quiet confines, mourning the loss of people, moments, things, relationships gone by. It feels weird to have these two divergent systems working within you, one in the opposite direction of the other, at times causing friction in the mind. One – the inside ~ a brimming ocean, raring to break banks and two – the exterior ~ apparently so poised, controlled, quiet, curled up inside, as if in a state of calm and in control of oneself. This calmness – equanimity – serenity – coolness clashes with that uneasy feeling of doubt, worry, or fear; a misgiving that clouds the heart heavy with an explicable yet unshakable, bearable yet unbearable sadness.
This nauseating queasiness cannot be shared, howsoever many times and to as many people I might talk about it, so I might just as well keep quiet and retain my composure. Nothing seems to compel me to be enthusiastic about anything anymore, when what all I had, is lost forever. The kind of shrug off cold shoulder and shake-off I was given, even though camouflaged in a kind, terse impatience .. leaves me silent enough to dwell inside.. within me.. mull over, quietly inside my own brooding self. Turning in & Rolling myself inside, wrapped in your thought to close on the outside, I smoke myself slowly like a cigar. I realize myself lost on the edge of time, almost ready to fall off the cliff.
Yet, I know, I am still hung there at the ledge, even if only by a finger. I shall climb back. I shall conquer this cliff, I know I will someday. I will let the sea within dry up and so no words will pour out like salted tears. I do not want to write obituaries of my relationship or even myself. There shall always be people ready to sneer at my plight, mock at my genuine tears and laugh at my ruins. But I have known myself to build myself back, brick by brick, slowly, using the mortar of time. I shall not fail, ever, in this fortitude, for if I am meant to be doomed, I am also meant to bob back. Back on the surface with a punch. I did commit but now I undo the error of making one person the epitome of my life. Let me live alone, all by myself, to become the epitome for someone.. To be in a symbiotic relationship where I am the equal of what I get, where he is the equal of what I give. I free you of any encumbrances. I allow you to sort out all your emotional conflicts and confusions, for all the love, compassion and understanding you had shown, conditionally and unconditionally, selfishly and selflessly. To me you were a friend, a friend you shall always be, even if as lovers you now choose us not to be, so for that role, let us part amicably.
~ Purvi Petal, © 2014
ख़ामोश ऐ दिल भरी महफ़िल में चिल्लाना नहीं अच्छा,
अदब पहला क़रीना है मोहब्बत के क़रीनों में.
- सर मोहम्मद इकबाल
*P.S. : This is.. a slice of the kind of dip-dap-doom-drowned-rescued-on fire-doused-calm-confused-clear-confounded kind of a nightmare of feelings I go through myself, though not in entirety .. it is more than this and varies too. Was totally into an unfeeling phase yesterday..suddenly, one hiccup and an intense seAring hate rears within me today for the realization as to how cunningly he dodged my questions till the last moment about the truths I asked, and how, it was all a lie , a facade he kept up with.. 😦
**P.P.S. : This is.. an excerpt from my upcoming novel ‘Burnt Scraps Of Paper’, © 2014