From nowhere to hell. And nothing much about much : June 8, 2011
I have been getting hurt. Knowingly, unknowingly hit, by people, who presume, they love me. I have wanted to break away with a few. Then something kept me from it..
All those laments that have lashed me. Why? Because I was an easy prey. A soft target. A nice punching wall. A wash basin to vomit out all frustrations? Expecting me to provide a tap to wash away all guilt? or With the excuse that they had chosen to build a ‘relation’ with me?
I cried then today. It was not a wail of self-derogation, uttered in anguish. These were tears of anger. Beyond frustration. I still am. Very Very angry. And now slipping into the cold, pause mode. This is bad. I know for my own self, it will take me back to those very dark, sad days. Times, when I have forgotten my self, about me, around me, lost, so lost.. that I slipped into a trance, time not knowing passing by, totally oblivious to my own existence, survival. Lived then I, like a dead woman, dragging herself.. or being dragged, by the chains of time.
If I won’t let myself slip into that pause mood, then, I might as well not live like dead now. But I might not as well be alive. The anger will keep me burning. Slowly. Softly killing me, seething like a coal, left to singe. Coz I do not feel like pardoning. No. I am as angry as I was 2 years ago with someone. And I then walked out of her life. She had her mentor, guide, sister, mother, friend, everyone in me. But she couldn’t take her ‘rides’ with life, thanks to me. I was ‘protective’. Fine. I, one fine day, Stepped out in the Sun. And left the gloom behind. I suddenly realised, so much of a relief it was. I had been hanging an albatross round my neck all this while. I just walked out, never to return back, never to regret my decision, never to ever think of her or miss her. If, per chance, she came to my mind, it was for the stark ingratitude shown towards me, for the cover I had given that orphaned girl, shielding her like my own child. trying to provide, at my own physical, mental, emotional, monetary expense, everything that she demanded. And how dare she demand? Coz I let her! I still shudder and wonder, why did I withstand all that door-mat like treatment? Thank God, for one day those embers went cold. I am THAT angry today. Shrugging off those insensitive people from my life, who do not think, feel, realise for me. Actually, to hell with you. I mean, you take the journey alone, my goodbyes from here! Am throwing out today, a few people from my list and mentally severing off relations with some others. Have known them for long. No need for tags. If they realise, fine, if they don’t, all the more better!
And the ones I am tagging, need not necessarily be in the above category. They might be people I am sharing a day, a phase of myself with.
Never apologize for what you feel. Nor Keep quiet each time. : October 17, 2011
Never apologize for what you feel. its like saying sorry for being real. Nor always restrain to yourself what you genuinely feel and are sure of. Say it once, sometime, rather than keep living with it within you. Those who want to say it, are at times not even sorry for what they said even if it hurt! And sometimes you might be just lucky by saying something that clicked right than by regretting not having said it. if you keep chewing words within you, the words eat you up, even if they are protecting someone else from seeing the truth. Ironically, One problem with the world is that people try to press their definition of happiness upon others. They try to quantify a feeling so that they can tell others who has true happiness. A feeling is just a feeling and while it can’t be held it is still precious, don’t let anyone tell you what true happiness is, find it for yourself, it’s out there… And the most funny part of life is, that the ones who often tell others, not to impose their definition of happiness on the former, are the ones who do it themselves, saying whatever when they have to, not even thinking in retrospect or bothering about what impact it had on others. Such people keep telling others, what wrong the latter committed! I used to think, illusions help, so let me not clear things up for them or myself. But illusions don’t really let you live longer. Especially when the pot of Gold (Love) at the end rainbow starts blurring with every passing day. I did either of the both and always made a mistake. This is as much for today. AND.. Not targeted at anyone, if someone might feel so. But I am a writer and have the right to speak about what I have felt and realised, in general about people around and about me, and there are so many! So how can it be about just one or someone? And if someone still feels so, it means, they know the truth in their hearts.. and that is why it pinches.. and not because I said something wrong, or I am some idiot who has no sense at all. For “I have no riches but my thoughts.Yet, these are wealth enough for me.” Sara Teasdale. This is for all those like me, who write, speak , express, yet clam up, when it comes to telling some people truths about their own selves. For like Robert A. Heinlein puts it, “Reason is poor propaganda when opposed by the yammering, unceasing lies of shrewd and evil and self-serving men.”
Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get. “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it.” – Wilfred Peterson.