Often, you see, the problem with me is that I over-adulate. And that I often fall short of words in my long pourings of praise. I also tend to over-indulge, in people. And then I more than ponder and procrastinate. On how to make them smile more and more, have them pleased more randomly, laugh every now and then because of me and maybe, infact surely feel good and better about their life.
Then, they relax. Let go of inhibitations. Try to ‘open’ me more. Begin taking me for granted. Start treating me like a doormat. Believe they are God, meant to uplift me from the dungeons of doom with crevices of depression. Wipe the smile off my face each time I do coz they wish to saw me with their rants. They do that and ask me why i am such a sissy as to end up crying.
Their images of me claw into my soul and their seething words bite into my slow & fast beating heart, getting etched onto the singeing flesh of my memory, burning down my feathers of hope with their acrid-caustic pukes of selfish suppositions, suggestions and expectations while they cut, chop, scrunch and pin my tiny desires after flagging them down and tattoing their labels onto them.
And then they tell me I dont smile at all. That my attitude is such a problem. And that I am so stubborn, i don’t want to try a change, be a change, bring a change.
And then I withdraw. I become silent, stoic, shell-like. Breathing, bleeding inside. All because I wanted to make them smile. Touch their skin to make it jump. Alight the spark in their eyes. Make their jaws hurt with laughter at times. Feel their heart, make it sparkle like their teeth. Reach their soul. Seep into them, run in their system. Bring alive their lives. ‘Change‘ it enough to make them break their walls.
And all I end up with is turning inside, apparantly aloof and unreachable, confusing and misunderstandable, enigmatic and reclusive, perishable. I go quiet, almost till forever, till the time God decides to bring in another miracle.