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1: I am currently out for a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position.

2: I’m really not out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automated notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received
anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed out on you but I am at the doctors having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to the management.

5: This mail got delivered and printed because my Anti-virus support is out-of-date, my spam-box is already full, Vacation responder is switched off, my fax machine had coffee spilled on it, my printer is working over-time and my shredder is our of order. But my hands are intact and so is my garbage-bin.

6: Thank you for your mail, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 272nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 16 weeks.

7: The e-mail server has been unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending it again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals did this over and over 😛 ).

8: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $7.99
for the first fifteen words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by
your PC?laptop/Palmtop for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother
to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join another better paying circus.

12: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 6/18. Please be patient and
your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 15 days for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of
‘Daniel’…

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